Fifty Shades of Cartwright
by Cazzychaps
Summary: A parody of the popular 'Fifty Shades of Grey' novel involving the Cartwrights and a mysterious lady visitor. If you haven't read the book, it probably won't make any sense. It's just a bit of froth and silliness!


Again, this will make no sense if you haven't read the book. And if you loved the book this probably won't make any sense either! Apologies! Caz

I have to go and interview a cattle baron. It's on behalf of my best friend who got run over by a horse and buggy just this morning. I'm mad at her for making me do this, but seeing as her leg was chopped off by the buggy wheel, I guess I'll fill in for her.

I arrive at the Ponderosa not knowing anything at all about the men who live there. I'm not very curious, you see. Actually, I can't even read and write so I'm relying on my memory to record everything they say and do.

The house is big and very western looking. It's got a door and windows; very impressive. I now know that this baron fellow is very rich and intimidating because they've got a second floor. Plus they've got a lot of cows. I know this because I can smell them._ Oh my!_

I knock on the door and a little Chinese man opens it. He says a string of weird words. Perhaps he is speaking Chinese? _Gosh!_ He guides me to the sofa and I sit down.

"You sit down, Missy. Which Mr Cartlight you want?."

I blush. "Oh, oh. I'm not sure. There's more than one?"

"Four Mr Cartlight. Which one you want?"

_Gosh, maybe I should have read my friend's notes she gave me, but gee, I'm illiterate, so oh well, I'll just guess. _"Which one is the most smoking hot?"

"Hop Sing no understand. You want sweatiest Cartwright?"

"Okay," I say nervously. _This is getting really complicated, I think to my inner Goddess, who is snoring loudly._

The little Chinese man shuffles outside, yelling out towards the large, red barn. I wonder if I should follow him along, but then again, I'd probably trip on a tree stump and land in a pile of horse poop, so I stay on the butt-toughening couch.

"Sweatiest Mr Cartlight for strange lady from big city."

"Mornin' Ma'am. I'm sorry I'm so sweaty."

I turn and blush. The man that comes through the door is as big as a mountain. I can tell even from across the room that he's got blue eyes. Really blue. Really, really blue. So blue, they're almost bluer than blue.

He's got a hot poker and a leather apron on. _Oh, my. _I get up off the couch to say hello, and fall over the coffee table, almost landing in the fireplace.

"Are you all right, Ma'am?"

"Oh, oh, yes." I look up into his blue, bluer and bluest eye and blush. "I'm fine."

"Let me help you up, Ma'am." He grabs me with his huge hand and launches me off the floor. I gasp with pain.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Ma'am. I don't know my own strength sometimes."

I blush and rub my shoulder. What kind of hunky but cruel man is this? I turn to go back to the couch and trip over the coffee table again. That's when I feel Mr Blue Eye's red hot poker up my bustle.

"I'm terrible sorry, Ma'am. I'm kinda clumsy."

"You like to hurt women, don't you Mr Cartlight. I raise my brow at him accusingly.

"I . . .I . . .didn't mean anything by it. My name is Hoss. You caught me in the middle of forgin'."

"I try and concentrate on his words, but his poker's got me scared. _Forgin' what? Chains? A rack?_

"I'm here to interview one of you, Mr Horse." _My inner goddess is still snoring._

"What about?"

"Oh, oh." I think really hard. "I'm not really sure. I forgot to ask."

"That's too bad, Ma'am. Maybe my brother knows about your visit?"

"Yes, maybe."

"Come with me to the barn. You can meet my younger brother."

I follow the massive, hunky blue eyed Cartlight to the barn, taking care not to trip and land in any poop. That wouldn't be a good look. I smell the horsy leather of Horse's apron as I walk. _Hmm, it was kind of . . .hot._

"Hey, Little Joe. There's a woman here says she's s'posed to interview one of us. Do you know anything about it?"

I look up into the rafters and see a handsome, devilish and all too shirtless man holding onto a long, long rope.

"What's her name?"

"My name is Anna-Bella Concrete," I call up in a small voice. I blush as he smiles and shimmies down the long, long rope.

"ABC, nice initials," he says smoothly and glides across the barn floor, all shirtless and almost as sweaty as Horse.

"Call me Joe, Ma'am. I'm not so fond of the 'little'." He takes my hand and brushes his lips across my knuckles. He then licks my fingers. "Chicken for lunch?" he says in an all knowing, hot voice. _Oh, gosh!_

"Er, yes."

"What was it you wanted to know, ABC?"

_He's so smooth!_

"I, um, well. My friend was coming to see one of you, but she couldn't make it. So I came instead."

"Hmm, interesting. I didn't have a date today, but heck, you'll do."

"Are you trying to seduce me, Mr Cartlight?"

"Right."

_Holy crap! He was trying to seduce me! My inner Goddess is . . . heck I don't know what that silly bitch is doing._

"You can't go anywhere today, Joe. You've got to finish stackin' those bails."

Sweaty and shirtless Joe glances up to the rafters. Then, he cocks his head to the side and smiles at me. I melt. _Oh gees, this is going to be hot."_

If you hold onto my rope for me, I can get this done quicker and we can be out of here, babes."

"What are you going to make me do with that rope?" I stare at the thick, rough cord and imagine what he's going to make me do. _My inner Goddess is holding up binoculars to check out how rough the rope really is._

"You just have to hold it still while I climb up on it."

"Oh sure. I don't think I can trust you."

"You're right, Ma'am. Little Joe is sneaky."

I know it. I think I need to get away from these Cartlights. Hot pokers, rope, leather aprons and burning fires. This isn't what I agreed to!

"Perhaps I should speak to who ever is in charge?"

"Pa, hmm. You won't have such a good time with him," scoffed Joe, his voice soft and luring.

"W . . .Why do you say that?" My nerves flood my body.

"Little Joe got quite a few spankings when he was younger," Hoss chuckled. "He warns everyone. But I'm sure you don't have to worry none."

They both laugh. Now I'm really worried. My behind starts to sting of it's own accord. _Kind of hot._

"Yes, him. He must be the one I'm to see." I wait nervously as the two sweaty Cartlights point towards the house.

"He's just arrived."

I look out and see an older, distinguished and hot looking older man arrive on a horse. Is everyone here hot? _Oh my!_

I scurry out of the barn and trip on a bucket. I land in the dirt, narrowly avoiding some cow dung. _My inner Goddess sighs with relief._

"Mr Cartlight?"

"Right," he says in a booming voice.

"Good. I'm here for an interview. My name is Anna-Bella." I rush over to him as he dismounts. _Hot and sexy dismount._

"Oh? I don't recall any interview. I'm sorry. There must be some mistake."

I notice he's carrying a leather belt. My backside clenches.

"No, it's true. I have notes. This is where I was to come to." I blush with my choice of words. Mr Cartlight frowns down at me and I peak up at him through the hairpiece I dislodged when tripping over the bucket.

"Let me see?" He holds out his hand that has the belt.

"Please, don't spank me, sir."

"Huh?"

"You men just can't understand real relationships, can you?" I blush. I didn't mean to say that out loud, did I? _My inner Goddess beats the crap out of my backside._

"It's new. I just got it from town." Mr Cartlight looks angry. He's puffing out his chest. _Oh my, should I reach out and touch it? _

"Give me those papers," he says commandingly. I hold them out to him while lowering my eyes.

"You're here to see Adam," he says.

"Adam?"

"Yes, come inside."

I follow him into the house. I look around again noticing the scary bull horns on the wall. What did they do to that bull? _Holy crap!_

"Sit here." He points to a desk I didn't notice before.

I see the chair but I'm sure he pointed to the desk. I sit on it. Cool, dark wood, the surface feels good on my imaginary stinging butt.

As I sit the Chinese man comes out again.

"Missy want eat dinner with Cartlights?"

"Oh no, thank you."

"You no eat? Hop Sing very mad if you no eat. You need eat!"

_Gees, what is it with this lot?_

"I promise I'll eat when I get back to San Francisco."

"You drop dead from no food. Hop Sing right." He says more strange words and disappears. _My inner Goddess reminds me I'm actually starving as I haven't eaten in five days. Oh no! She forgot about the chicken, silly!_

I wait and wait. This last Cartlight, Adam, must be very busy. I guess he must be the really rich mogul. Finally, he appears at the top of the stairs. _Oh my!_

He's dressed all in black. _Holy crap!_ I watch him walk down the stairs. He moves so smoothly, like a panther. He's holding papers in his hands. His fingers are so long. Especially his index finger. My body starts to clench. What's happening to me?

As he gets closer I see he has hazel eyes. Like chocolate laced with whiskey and . . . whatever another brown food is._ My inner goddess smacks me across the face for reminding her about more food._

He looks at me with suspicion. He's hard all over. I bite my lip. He looks at my mouth and frowns.

"You shouldn't do that," he says with a deep, honeyed tone.

"Why? Does it make you want to bite it back?" I'm felling hot all over and kind of feverish.

"No, you'll make it bleed. Here." He hands me a soft, laundered hanky. It has the initials AC on it. _Hey, that's the same as us, my subconscious says with excitement. _

_It's an exciting moment. Adam,me. He could be the one. The first one to hold my hand, the first one to woo me. The first one to f-_

"I need to know if you can ride," he said dryly.

"Ride?" I lick my lips. "Ride what?" I look shyly at the floor, then look at his long, black chaps clad legs (okay, so I, Caz, added this for myself. Mary Sue moment!)

"A Horse, Miss . . .what was your surname again?" He glanced at the paper in his hand and frowned.

"Horse?" I feel panic. Horse is so much bigger than his brother. I'm not sure I can do this.

"Don't be nervous. I know that you city ladies are not always so experienced. I can teach you."

"Oh, you want to teach and watch?" _How hot is that!_

"You'll have to sign a contract, of course."

"C . . .contract?" _It's oh so wrong but oh so sexy._

"Of course. I have one in a room upstairs. Care to follow me?"

He moves beside me and puts his hand on my back. It burns where he touches. I think I can even feel his index finger pressing into my spine. _Holy hell._

_"_Right this way," he says. His nose is almost smelling my hairpiece, I think.

I let him lead me up the stairs. What kind of place is this? He leads me along a corridor, then another, and then another and then we loop around and down another passage, and then up two steps, around a bend and down three steps.

"Here it is."

He opens the door and I go in. I gasp. The room is dark red. There's a large mahogany bed to one side, it's polished wood gleaming in the candlelight. I peer around and gasp. There's a large whip leaning against a sexy looking desk. Beside it is a short leather riding crop.

"My Cartlight, I don't know what to say."

"Right."

"It's not right. Can't you see that?"

"You haven't even looked at it yet," he answered sounding hurt.

"I don't need to look. _Yes you do! My inner Goddess is panting._

"Just take a look. See if you like the conditions."

He hands me a piece of paper that sits beside the riding crop. My butt clenches as I take it with a trembling hand.

"Do you guarantee you won't hit me too hard?" I say, unable to read the BDSM contract.

"Hit you? Huh?"

"You men, you Cartlights. You're all the same. You think you can do whatever you like, don't you?"

"Right, it's Cartwright."

"Well, you're wrong. I'm not going to take any more." I tremble, not wanting to leave but yet knowing I can't stay with men who would treat me . . . with such control and darkness. "I can't do all of this," I say, looking down at the riding crop.

"I said, I'll teach you what to do. You shouldn't mind the tables being turned on you in the teaching department. If you do, perhaps you're not for us."

_Table. They are going _to_ put me under a table? Oh my!_

"No, perhaps not." _My subconscious tells me to grab the riding crop and hit him before he gets me._

I want to run but I'm all a flutter inside. I could let him bite my lip.

"Perhaps just one lesson then."

"Good. We have to go to the barn."

"The b . . . barn?"

"Of course. We need a horse."

"Horse, and I suppose Joe too?"

"I guess he can help, if you really want?" Adam cocks his head to the side and gives me that sexy hazel eyed stare I've fallen in love with in just a few minutes.

"No, no! I can't. You can't make me. You're sick. All of you!" I run from the red room, screaming. I don't know how I find the stairs, but I do, and almost trip down them, but somehow I make it out alive. I'm going home. I'll cry for days, years even. Well, maybe a day, but it's better for me this way. _My inner Goddess sighs and goes back to sleep._

_Prologue:_

"What was all that about, boys?"

The Cartwrights stand on the porch watching the strange woman run back to town. (We assume she makes it in one piece.)

"Not sure, Pa. She was here to interview for the school teacher job. I thought she'd be perfect from her resume, but I think she was afraid to ride a horse," says Adam.

"Afraid? Could be. Those city girls are a highly strung lot, Joe comments.

"She seemed kind of skittish to me too," adds Hoss.

They all shrug and go back to work.

"By the way, Adam," calls Ben. "Did you finish painting that room for the Contessa's visit?"

"Yeah, but that Spanish red paint Hoss got is pretty dark. Looks kind of like a dungeon up there."

"She'll feel right at home then. And her riding crops she wanted?"

"Repaired and ready for her to use."

"Good. I'm sure Cazzileetta will enjoy herself while she's our guest.

"I'm sure she will." Adam smirks and winks at me from the page as I finish this story.

Okay, I know, I left out all the BDSM sex scenes. Are you mad at me? _Gosh!_

There are just some things a girls got to keep to herself. . . . Later, babes!


End file.
